Sunday, January 11, 2009

Awake...

It's 3:16 on Monday morning and I can't sleep. I did sleep from 10pm -12am, but then I fed and changed Silas, checked in on Evan who was still working, and then Jeremiah came into our bed. For some reason my mind would not focus on good things and instead wanted to keep thinking of a scary movie I saw years ago. So here I sit, reading blogs and wishing I were asleep, because when I have to get up in a few hours I will be tired.

Also, I might have been or might still be pregnant. Confusing? On Thursday night I got the tell-tale queasiness that feels like pregnancy and not like being sick. It went away, but on Friday night about the same time it was back. Evan and I talked about the prospect of being pregnant so soon after Silas. It isn't my first choice time-wise (I don't miss being pregnant yet, can still remember the pain, and still have a young baby), but we will take children whenever the Lord gives them to us and by the end of our conversation I was emotional about it, but happy. Later that night my stomach started hurting like I might be getting a stomach bug. Saturday was spent in bed all day because of a lack of sleep from stomach pain. Evan so nicely took care of the boys and gave me a break. Yesterday, I was feeling better, but still having random pains every once in awhile. Then last night I started bleeding, which I still am. So I most likely was pregnant and most likely now am not. We will have to wait and see how it all plays out.

It's hard because the thought of being pregnant just entered my mind a few days ago with this baby who is no more than 3 weeks old, so I haven't exactly gotten attached. I feel like I should feel sad, and I do when I think about how we could have had another baby, but at the same time it is hard because I am not attached. If I do lose this baby I am grateful that it happened early on and I pray that it is in heaven, happily praising God. It's just hard, because I am not sure how I should feel, and as of yet, don't feel much.

2 comments:

Mr. Brammer said...

Sweetheart, I am so proud of you for putting your thoughts down. This is a tough time right now, but I trust the Lord when His Word tells us that he "will never leave us, nor forsake us." Let's continue to pray, like David did, that if you were pregnant, that the Lord has taken our child with Him in the Heavenly places.

I love you. We will get through this together.

Amanda said...

ah jess, that's really tough. like you said, if it's only been a few weeks, and the thought that you were pregnant never really entered your mind, then it makes sense that you aren't really "attached" to the baby. what a strange thing. no matter your feelings, don't feel bad for any reason -you're a wonderful mom and the children God gives you and evan are so very lucky (blessed is probably a better word). sorry this is a bit late, but i'm thinking of you and praying for you. love you jess.