Awake...

It's 3:16 on Monday morning and I can't sleep. I did sleep from 10pm -12am, but then I fed and changed Silas, checked in on Evan who was still working, and then Jeremiah came into our bed. For some reason my mind would not focus on good things and instead wanted to keep thinking of a scary movie I saw years ago. So here I sit, reading blogs and wishing I were asleep, because when I have to get up in a few hours I will be tired.

Also, I might have been or might still be pregnant. Confusing? On Thursday night I got the tell-tale queasiness that feels like pregnancy and not like being sick. It went away, but on Friday night about the same time it was back. Evan and I talked about the prospect of being pregnant so soon after Silas. It isn't my first choice time-wise (I don't miss being pregnant yet, can still remember the pain, and still have a young baby), but we will take children whenever the Lord gives them to us and by the end of our conversation I was emotional about it, but happy. Later that night my stomach started hurting like I might be getting a stomach bug. Saturday was spent in bed all day because of a lack of sleep from stomach pain. Evan so nicely took care of the boys and gave me a break. Yesterday, I was feeling better, but still having random pains every once in awhile. Then last night I started bleeding, which I still am. So I most likely was pregnant and most likely now am not. We will have to wait and see how it all plays out.

It's hard because the thought of being pregnant just entered my mind a few days ago with this baby who is no more than 3 weeks old, so I haven't exactly gotten attached. I feel like I should feel sad, and I do when I think about how we could have had another baby, but at the same time it is hard because I am not attached. If I do lose this baby I am grateful that it happened early on and I pray that it is in heaven, happily praising God. It's just hard, because I am not sure how I should feel, and as of yet, don't feel much.

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The little boy inside of me is kicking up a storm right now and it is making me feel a bit sick. We have our second doctor's appointment tomorrow and will hopefully get to see the maternity ward. Having a baby in a foreign hospital will definitely be interesting, since we are not really sure what to expect. Will anyone even speak English? Our doctor doesn't seem to (though she is a woman and she gets points for that). It is just funny how different things are here. After our last appointment, which was short but we did get an ultrasound, we had to stop at the little desk to pay. We paid 100,000 Rupiah which was about $10.00 U.S.! Only $10.00? How crazy is that. Supposedly from what we were told, a normal birth should only cost us about $660.00 U.S. and I think that includes your staying in the hospital for a few days in a private room. Imagine if you could pay out of pocket for giving birth in the states.

We shall see how it all goes. I might need to come back here for all of my subsequent births. :)

mother's day memories

Mother's day was yesterday and it turned out very similar to last year for me. So far in my brief stint as a mother I have had two mother's days that involved sickness. Last year Jeremiah was about 2 months old and the day before mother's day was my sister's wedding. I was in a dress all day and had pumped breast milk for Jeremiah so I didn't have to worry about him during the ceremony. The downside was that when I woke up the next morning I had a very sore duct-clogged breast that gave me a fever and pain for days. So the day was spent watching t.v. and feeling horrible while at my parent's house.

This year I woke up and got ready for church, including a new dress (being pregnant and wearing a dress kind of makes me look like a whale though). After Jeremiah woke up he began throwing up a little. While he didn't throw up again really, he had a fever on and off all day. We spent the day watching t.v. and he kept falling asleep on my lap, which was continued into today (It takes him like 15 minutes to get comfortable on my lap because my big Silas belly gets in the way of his comfort). He has been living off of graham crackers since he can eat them on his own now. And we are at my parent's house.

I wonder what awaits me next mother's day?

74 days and counting...

We have 74 days until we move to Indonesia! How crazy is that? It is so weird to think that we will be moving to such a new life in so few days. It will be busy up until then as well. May involves trips to our churches in Eugene, Salem, and Yakima to let everyone know what we are up to and how to pray for us. June involves spending two weeks with Evan's family on the East Coast including North Carolina and Florida (our hot weather and plane practice runs). After that trip we have about a week and then we fly far, far away.

Lately we have been preparing by buying things. Evan has to get two years worth of clothes, including ones for work, here since he is bigger than most Indonesians. So we have been spending money right and left, which is a bit unnerving, but fun at the same time. We never get to just spend money, but right now we have to. We have bought a whole bunch of other things as well and since we are actually doing pretty well time-wise we can still shop around and get good deals.

On another note...I am 22 weeks pregnant and I am starting to feel big and bulky. I have had the pregnancy belly for sometime now even when my sister who is farther along than me was not showing. I guess my uterus got excited that it gets to go to work again and popped right back into doing what it knows how to do...stretch. I just think it's funny. I love being pregnant and it's exciting because you get a cute baby as a payoff at the end. I still can't even imagine all the work having a newborn and an 18 month old will be, but I am sure having a maid in Indonesia will help. :)

Jeremiah is head butting Silas

Yesterday we went to the doctor and had an ultrasound and the news is...(drum roll please) we are having another boy! At the moment we think he will be named Silas Edward. That is our exciting news for the week. It is weird to find out what the sex of the baby is because now we can call him by his name. With Jeremiah we had an idea that he was a boy but we weren't 100% sure. So Silas is doing well, all 11 0z of him.

Jeremiah on the other hand is going through the terrible two's early. He is throwing tantrums all the time. He whimpers, wants to breast feed like he is a starved child (which isn't extremely conducive to weaning), is hitting his head against things on purpose when he can't get his way... needless to say he is being difficult. He even has been throwing his head against my belly and poor Silas has no choice but to take the abuse.

Life is going...sometimes it is easier than others.